STORM FRONT

By SFwriter

5 Paths - Brad's Desire
Interludes
Timeline: Post Season 4

 

  * * * * * *

“Joshy, what’s wrong?”  Carly asked Josh as he sauntered in the front door, “What happened to you!?”

Josh’s clothes were covered in blood, and his face ashen with grief.  Carly rushed to his side and immediately began fretting over her big brother.  He seemed oblivious to her attention, walking straight past her and sitting down in the lounge.  He looked at his hands and it was obvious he was in shock.

“Joshua!”  Carly yelled, “Are you hurt?”

“Not … not … my blood.”

“What?”  Carly asked confused.

“Not my blood.  It’s Brad’s blood.”  Josh said as he continued to stare at his bloodied hands, “He …”

“What, Joshy?  What happened to him?  Is he ok?”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Josh knew something was wrong.  Something inside him told him he needed to hurry.  As he sped along the familiar route to Brad’s house, rain buffeted relentlessly down on his Jeep Cherokee.  Wind rocked his vehicle with an eerie power.  The storms that had teased Merlow over the last few days seemed to have come to a powerful head now, hindering Josh’s ability to make haste.

Finally he pulled in outside Brad’s house.  Even from the road he could see the front door’s window was smashed in.  Josh’s heart fell and for a moment he felt a sense of anxiety and hesitation.

It was a moment that barely lasted a second.  Josh ran toward the front door and burst into the house.  The sight that greeted him was nothing short of horrific.  Walls smeared with blood and smashed in.  Broken shards of glass along the floor.  A grizzly trail of blood that led through the kitchen and into the lounge.  Josh was about to run through when he realized Jeremiah was sitting at the dining table.  Jeremiah’s hands were shaking and barely able to hold a cigarette that was almost half ash.  His eyes were despondent and empty, staring blankly into space.

“Brad!”  Josh yelled, barely able to hold in his contempt.

Josh was about to ask Jeremiah what happened, but he knew it was a fruitless question.  Josh already knew what happened.  Jeremiah had given Brad a beating that obviously went too far.

Josh felt sick to his stomach as he ran through the house and witnessed the scene of destruction.  He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to seethe in anger or cry in anguish.  He could only imagine the torment Brad had suffered.  Josh had heard tales of Mike’s beatings at the hands of his father, but this was the first time he’d witnessed something so horrific up close.

“Brad!”  Josh screamed frantically, “Billy!”

Following a trail of blood, Josh ran into Brad’s bedroom.  He opened the door to find Brad lying face down on his bed.  Josh almost wanted to throw up when he saw the mottled skin of Brad’s back, covered in dried blood.

Billy sat kneeling on the floor besides Brad’s bed, sobbing his eyes out as he gently stroked Brad’s hair.  He looked up at Josh with an expression of fear and confusion.  Josh immediately rushed to Brad’s side and began checking him over.

“Brad?”  Josh urged, “Brad!?”

“He wasn’t moving … out there.”  Billy cried, “I … I thought he might be more comfortable in his bed.  So I carried him in.  But he’s so cold now.  I think he’s …”

“No.”  Josh said defiantly, “I want you to go and call an ambulance now.  Then call my father and tell him I need his help.”

“But Pop said …”

“Now!”  Josh yelled.

Billy jumped up and ran to the phone while Josh tried frantically to wake Brad up.  Josh had known fear in his life, but never so much as he did in this moment.  The fear he felt at being outed to his parents was pale in comparison to this.  Brad’s skin was already so cold.  Josh felt tears streaming down his face as he checked Brad for a pulse.

“No, Brad.  Don’t you go.”  Josh cried.

Josh felt hope literally fade from his body as contemplated the thought that Brad was dead.  He fought his own emotions in an effort to keep himself together.  He stopped checking for a pulse and flipped Brad onto his back.  With all his might, Josh brought his fist down over Brad’s chest.  He began performing CPR in an act of desperation. 

“Please God, don’t take him.”  Josh cried between his attempts to breathe life into Brad’s seemingly lifeless body.

Josh seemed to gain no immediate response to his efforts, yet he persisted.  He persisted as if he was the only thing keeping Brad in this world.  His entire belief system had been shaken lately, but now in this moment, he felt it being tested more than ever.  Was Brad being punished because of him?  Was this the price he would pay for loving another man?

“Please!  Not yet!”  Josh gasped, “Don’t take him.  Don’t take him.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Carly was speechless.  She sat next to Josh listening intently to ever word he said.  She couldn’t believe what he was saying.  Her eyes were filled with tears as she wondered what Brad had gone through.  And yet she still had no idea whether or not Brad was still alive.

“Where is he, Josh?  What happened?”  Carly asked impatiently, “Is he ok?”

“I tried.”  Josh cried, “I did everything I knew how.  But …”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“There’s nothing more you can do, Son.”  Colin said as he held Josh firmly in his arms, “You did everything you could.”

Josh felt light in his chest.  He felt as though his heart was literally broken.  He could barely breathe.  He would shake his head in one moment and cry out in anguish the next.  He looked down at his hands that were covered in Brad’s blood.  Finally, he stood up straight with a sense of calm washing over him.  Calm, resolved, anger.

He watched the ambulance drive away with a growing scowl across his face.  As soon as it had disappeared from view, he broke free of his father’s grip.  He turned around and walked straight back inside.  His target was obvious.

Jeremiah hadn’t moved the whole time the paramedics were trying to revive Brad.  He remained fixed at his table, smoking away while he stared blankly into nothing.  Even now as Josh walked up to him with a determined look of intent, Jeremiah did nothing.

Jeremiah was a mountain of a man, much bigger than even Josh’s impressive frame.  He was taller and stockier, and on most days Josh found his presence intimidating.  Not today.

Josh walked straight up to Jeremiah, barely losing a step as he picked up a nearby metal food tray.  With one mighty swing, Josh smashed the tray across the side of Jeremiah’s face.  He could barely keep in his contempt for the man as he threw the tray at Jeremiah and was about to follow it up with a beat down.  Josh kicked Jeremiah out of his chair with a stiff kick and lunged at him.

“It’s your fault!”  Josh screamed, “It’s your fault!”

“No.”  Collin said as he grabbed Josh’s arm and held it, “No, Joshua.”

“But …”  Josh said angrily, “Look what he did.  Look what he did to Brad.”

“And we would be no better if we did the same.  Actions make the man, Joshua.  Now step away.”

Josh stepped back reluctantly and nodded obediently at his father.  Were it anyone else, Josh would’ve carried on and ripped Jeremiah apart.  The anger in him was unlike anything he had ever known before.

“No matter what happens, Jeremiah, there will be consequences.”  Collin said in a calm, controlled voice, “The police will be here as soon as the paramedics contact them and tell them what happened.  I am going to take Billy until this situation resolves itself.  Don’t say a word.”

At that moment, Josh knew why he looked up to his father so much.  His father was a man in the truest sense of the word.  He could tell that his father was furious with Jeremiah, yet he spoke to him with as much class and control as he could manage.

Jeremiah had enough sense not to test Collin’s resolve.  He tipped his seat up and sat down once again at the kitchen table.  Without giving Collin or Josh a second look, he pulled out another cigarette and lit it up.

“Get Billy.”  Collin said to Josh, “We’re leaving.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Oh no.”  Carly said in disbelief, “Joshy, that’s so horrible.  So where’s Dad?  What about Billy?”

“I don’t know.  He sent me home to get cleaned up.”  Josh said as he stood up, “I better wash this blood off.  There’s so much of it though.”

“Josh … did he … is he …”

Josh turned away from Carly as tears filled his eyes.  He left the room without saying another word.  Carly sank down into her chair with shock still laced in her eyes.  How could a father do something so horrible to their own son?  Carly couldn’t even imagine it.  She thought about Josh and the relationship he had with their father.  As upset as her father was today, Carly knew he still loved Josh and would never hurt him the way Jeremiah hurt Brad.

“Josh?”  Carly called out as she stood up and walked down the hallway.

Carly could hear the shower running inside the bathroom and put her head next to the door.  She knocked again, hoping Josh would answer her.

“Joshy, are you ok?”

Josh didn’t answer Carly, but she could hear his faint sobs through the door.  Her heart went out to her brother, and she wished she could make everything better for him.  She felt as though it was her turn to look after him for once. 

“I love you, Joshy.”  Carly said in a meek voice, “I’ll be here if you need me.  I’m sorry about Brad and about today.”

Carly wasn’t expecting a reply, but she knew Josh could hear her and that’s all she needed.  She was surprised though when the bathroom door opened and Josh stood there with a weak smile on his face.

“When did you get old so fast?  Aren’t I supposed to take care of you?”  Josh said as he stepped forward and hugged Carly, “Thank you.  I love you too, Carly Bear.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Josh?”  Called a familiar voice, “Josh?”

Josh opened his eyes and let out a scream when he saw Brad standing next to his bed.  He jumped out of his covers and knelt while he stared in disbelief.  Josh felt sick to his stomach as he stared at Brad, knowing instantly just what he was seeing.

“Brad?”  Josh gasped in shock, “Is that really you?”

“Why didn’t you come for me?”  Brad asked with despair in his eyes, “Why didn’t you come?  I would’ve come for you.”

“I’m so sorry, Brad.  I’m so sorry.  I failed you.”

“You said you’d always protect me.”

“I know.”  Josh cried, “I let you down.  But I understand now what you were trying to do.  You were just trying to help me.  I didn’t understand it until today.  This is all my fault.”

“No … no …”  Brad said shaking his head, “It’s just how things were meant to be.”

“That’s not true.”  Josh said as he reached out to touch Brad, “It isn’t your time.”

“Joshua?”  Petra said as she opened the door and looked in, “Son, who are you talking to?”

“No one, Mother.”  Josh said disappointed, “Just … to myself.”

Josh hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but it wasn’t.  Petra quietly walked inside and sat down on Josh’s bed.  She put her hand on Josh’s knee and smiled warmly at him.

“I’m sorry for hitting you, Joshua.  I was just so upset, but I have no excuse.”

“It’s ok, Mother.”

“No it isn’t.”  Petra insisted, “I know you’ve had a terrible day.  And I know your father and I said we needed time, but I just want you to know that you are still my beautiful boy.  I am so proud of you.  We’ll work this out.”

“Thank you, Mother.”  Josh said as tears began welling up in his eyes.

“Well, you get some sleep, Son.  You’ve got a busy few days ahead of you.  I’m sorry for what happened to Bradley.”

“So am I.”

“We’ll talk more later, I promise.  Goodnight, Son.  I love you.”  Petra said as she smiled again at Josh.

“I love you too, Mother.”  Josh said sincerely.

Petra stood up and left the room.  As she closed the door behind her, Josh was both horrified and amazed to see Brad standing behind it.  He shook his head and closed his eyes.  He counted to three and opened his eyes again.  He almost screamed as he opened his eyes to find Brad’s face just inches from his own.

“I’m going crazy, aren’t I?”  Josh gasped, “This is punishment.”

“It is?”  Brad said surprised, “Do you really think so?  You believe in god, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.  I know you never did, but …”

“I never said I didn’t.  You and I just have different ideas on how it all works.”

“So are you real?  Or am I seeing things?”  Josh said in surprise, “Are you haunting me?”

“I think you’re haunting yourself.”

Josh still didn’t understand what was happening.  He’d never seen a ghost before.  Half of him was scared, but the other half felt comforted by Brad’s presence.

“Why are you here?”  Josh asked as he lay back down on his bed.

He looked up at his ceiling and soon felt the presence of someone laying in bed beside him.  He turned to his side and tried not to be so intimidated when he saw Brad lying next to him.  Josh reached out tentatively to touch Brad’s face.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”  Brad said as he continued looking up, “Don’t ruin it.  Pretend I’m really here.  Just like old times.”

“I …”  Josh said with a sigh, “I guess I just wish you really were here.  I don’t know what I’m going to do, Brad.”

“Don’t give up.  There’s always hope.”

“But I’m just so angry.  It didn’t have to be this way.  You deserved better.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”  Brad said with an air of melancholy, “I wish I had of.  Do you realize you’re the closest thing I had to a girlfriend?  All I really wanted was for someone to want me.  And you did.”

“But you weren’t like me.  You just wanted to help me.”

“And did I?”

“In the end, you did.”  Josh smiled, “I just wish it didn’t take so long for me to get it.”

“I wish we could do it again.  I’d let myself be yours.  If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn’t have mattered to me.”

“What do you know now?”  Josh asked curiously.

“You’ll find out one day.”

“When I’m dead?”  Josh asked with a sigh.

“When you stop feeling guilty.”

And with that, Josh felt a rush of air blow through his window and Brad was gone.  Josh let out a sigh as he once again felt cold and alone.  He closed his eyes and covered his head with a pillow.  He craved sleep, because he knew he could still dream in his sleep.  And in his dreams, Brad was ok.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Collin Barrett stood at his lounge window, holding a half full glass of water in his hand.  He would stare at it intermittedly, while glancing at Billy, who sat in his chair like a child in the principal’s office.  Collin turned around to face Billy who tried as hard as he could not to make eye contact.

“You could be here for a while, Son.”  Collin said.

“Yes, Sir.”  Billy replied with a meek nod.

“There are rules that must be obeyed while you stay here.  You must never lie to us.  You will respect the space of the other people who live here.  You will keep yourself and your own space tidy and clean.  Everyone in this house does their part, you will be no different.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“You will find these rules are not so difficult to follow once you get used to them.”  Collin said reassuringly, “You are safe in this house.”

Billy sat with his hands between his legs, scared and afraid.  As horrifying as his father’s actions were, he still loved him.  He still wished he was home.  He wished he’d never told his father about seeing Brad and Josh kissing.  This was all his fault.

“Sir?”  Billy said as he finally looked up at Collin.

“Yes, William.”

“I’m sorry for all of this.  I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“Someone is responsible for this, but that person is not you, William.”

“My father isn’t a bad man, is he?”  Billy asked confused, “Why would he want to hurt Brad so much?  Is it really bad to kiss another boy?”

Collin felt himself tense up at Billy’s question.  He’d only recently learned his own son was gay, and he was still having a difficult time adjusting to that knowledge.  Now here was Billy asking him questions that previous to yesterday, he would never have entertained.

“What your father did was wrong.  He betrayed his trust as a father and a man.  But you must still remember the good things he has done for you.  We are not all without sin, William.  Remember that.”

“I guess so.  But I still don’t understand.  Is what Brad did with Josh really bad?  Is it wrong?”  Billy asked as he looked up at Collin as if he had all the answers, “Is it wrong, Sir?”

“I cannot answer that question for you.”  Collin said as he turned his attention back to the window, “I still don’t know the answer myself.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Josh, what are you still doing here?”  Claire asked sympathetically, “It’s time for you to go.”

Josh looked up at Claire and feigned a smile.  He ran his hands through his hair and tried not to look as tired as he felt.  He’d barely slept last night, and today had been non stop for him.  He was grateful that now at the end of the day, Claire was here.  She had a natural way about making people relaxed around her.

“I’m sorry.”  Josh sighed, “I’m going.”

“I just want you to rest.”  Claire said as she brushed Josh’s cheek, “You look so tired.”

“Does anyone know how to reach Storm?  He’d want to come back for this.”  Josh said as he stood up, “Dade doesn’t know.  I can’t get a hold of Marcel.  I thought he’d know.”

“I spoke to Sarah today.  I was trying to find Storm too.  She doesn’t know where he is, but she wants me to let her know what the arrangements are.  She wants to come back.  So does Mike.”

“Brad wouldn’t want that.”  Josh said shaking his head, “Sarah has enough to deal with.  Trust me, I know what Brad would say.  Just please tell her that he wouldn’t want her to travel so far for him.  Please?”

“I’ll try, but you know what she’s like.  If she has it in her mind to come back, she’s coming back.”

“Try hard.  Do you know how she’s feeling these days?”

“Right now she’s not doing too hot.  They wanted to come down for the regionals, but Sarah wasn’t up to it.”

“But she’d come down for this?”  Josh said in surprise, “For Brad?”

“She cares about Brad.  A lot of people do.  He’s a sweetheart.”  Claire said as her own eyes began to tear up, “And who would have ever thought I’d be saying that?”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Claire said that about me?”  Brad said with a huge smile on his face.

Brad sat at Josh’s window facing in, while Josh sat cross legged on his bed.  Josh had a smile on his face as he looked at Brad.  He was in much higher spirits than one would expect.

“She did.”  Josh laughed, “She said you were a sweetheart.”

“Well, I don’t want any of them to come back.  Especially not Sarah.  What difference would it make anyway?”

“People care, Brad.  Just like you care about other people, they care about you.”

“How’s Billy?”  Brad asked with a sad sigh, “He’s going to feel so guilty.”

“He told me that he told Jeremiah he saw us kissing.  But he also told me that he never meant for this to happen.  I believe him.”  Josh said with a nod, “He’s not a bad kid.  He reminds me of you at that age.”

“You’ll keep an eye on him, won’t you?”

“Why am I talking to you like this, Brad?”  Josh asked out of the blue, “Why are you here?  This is the third night you’ve come to me.  Is it going to be like this forever?”

“You don’t like talking to me?”

“Of course I do.  But … don’t you think it’s weird?”  Josh said as he ran his hands through his hair, “I mean, I know you’re not real.  I know this is all in my head.  I know all this, and yet … I don’t want you to go.”

“Like I said, you have to stop feeling guilty.  When you stop feeling guilty, I won’t be here anymore.”  Brad said as he walked over and sat down next to Josh, “I’m your conscience, I’m not really here.”

“Then if I feel guilty forever, you’ll hang around?”

“Josh …”  Brad said with a warm smile, “I can’t go until you let me go.  And I want you to let me go.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“No!”  Josh yelled with a start as he woke up.

He sat up like a shot, gasping for breath.  He let out an angry moan as he recalled the night before.  His dreams were interfering with his reality.  So much so that he was having trouble differentiating the two.

His feet reveled in the soft carpet as he stood up and stretched.  He looked himself in the mirror, and realized just how disheveled he’d become in the last few days.  His eyes were sunken and drawn, and his skin seemed pale. 

Curiously, his fingers traced down his chest and he closed his eyes.  As wrong as he felt for thinking these thoughts, he couldn’t help remembering what it felt like when Brad touched him in the same spot.  He could almost feel the water of the shower on his back.  Even though he knew Brad wasn’t whole hearted in his interest at the time, Josh wished he had of just settled for what Brad was offering.  Even if Brad did not know himself.

“What are you doing?”

Josh jerked his eyes open in fright when he heard the voice from behind him.  He spun around and looked down at the floor, surprised by what greeted him.  Billy lay on his side with his head cocked up on his elbow.  A thin blanket covered his exposed frame as he looked curiously up at Josh.

“Were you … thinking about horny shit?  It looked like you were touching yourself.”

“Billy …”  Josh fumed, “What the hell are you doing in here?  This is my room.”

“I couldn’t sleep out there.  I’m sorry.  I just …”  Billy said awkwardly, “I dunno.”

“Well at least wake me up and tell me first.”

Josh went to his drawer and pulled out a wifebeater to throw on.  As irritated as he was at Billy, it was more that he’d been caught in a not so wholesome situation.  Yet he understood why Billy slept in his room.  Josh had always taken a big brother approach to Billy, and it made sense that during this period, Billy would turn to him for support.

“I bet you had a rough night on the floor.”  Josh said as he took Billy’s pillow and threw it on his bed, “You may as well get some rest up there.  Don’t worry, I’m not getting back in there.”

“It’s ok.”  Billy yawned, “I’m awake now.”

Billy still jumped onto Josh’s bed, but it was obvious he wasn’t going to sleep.  He just sat there staring at Josh while he tidied up.  He seemed to study Josh with his eyes. 

“Well if you’re not going to sleep, get up and help me.”  Josh said with a scowl, “Come on.”

“What’s it like?”  Billy asked with his curious eyes.

“What’s what like, Billy?”  Josh replied flippantly.

“Speaking fag.”  Billy said matter of factly, “Being a faggot.”

“Don’t ever call me that again.”  Josh said as he shot daggers at Billy’s eyes, “Ever.”

“Ok!”  Billy said putting his hands up, “It’s just what everyone calls them at school.  What do I call you?”

“Josh.  Same as always.”

“Well … what’s it like being Josh then?  Seriously.”

Josh contemplated Billy’s question.  It wasn’t the sort of conversation he wanted to have with many people.  Suddenly it dawned on him that if Billy knew he was gay … how long would it be till somebody else knew?  Beyond his family, his few and trusted friends, nobody else knew.  Billy didn’t exactly fit into either of those categories.  What if he told someone at school?  It wouldn’t take long to break out onto the Merlow grapevine and then everyone would know.  Sure, he was fairly popular at school and he moved in the inner circle at Merlow High, but he wasn’t a Storm or Lucas.  He didn’t have a man of steel attitude like Storm did.  It seemed to Josh that as soon as Storm and Lucas were outed at school, Storm simply had a ‘screw you’ attitude to anyone who looked at him sideways.

“I couldn’t do that.”  Josh said to himself.

“What?”  Billy asked.

“Oh, sorry.”  Josh said, realizing he’d forgotten all about Billy’s question, “Why do you want to know what it’s like?”

“Is it like inherited and shit?  If Brad’s a fag, does that make me one?”

“Brad is not gay.”

Josh was by now becoming increasingly frustrated with Billy.  He wasn’t sure if it was Billy’s attitude or his relentless barrage of questions.  Perhaps he was still angry at Billy for telling Jeremiah in the first place.  Either way, he had enough.

Sitting down next to Billy, Josh grabbed a magazine from under his bed.  He thumbed through a number of pages till he found what he was looking for.  It wasn’t exactly the type of magazine he’d normally read, but he felt it was pertinent to getting his point across.

“This is something Brad gave me years ago.”  Josh said as he held open the page and shoved it in Billy’s face, “Look!”

Billy’s eyes went wide for what he saw was none other than a playboy centerfold.  He blushed a deep red as a grin broke out across his face.  Josh observed Billy for a moment, making a mental note of changes in his demeanor, smile, body language.

Josh grabbed another magazine from his bedside drawer.  This magazine was aimed at a younger market than the last one.  Not only that, but it was typically aimed at girls around Carly’s age.

“This is another one Brad gave me a few years ago.  I guess even back then he had an inkling.”  Josh said as he found the page he was looking for, “Ok, now this one.”

Once again Josh shoved the page in Billy’s face.  The magazine was spread out to a suggestive and shirtless spread of Kevin Zegers, one of Josh’s longtime celebrity crushes.  His uncanny resemblance to Dade surely had something to do with it. 

Once again he noted Billy’s reaction.  It was a typical look of disdain and disinterest that Josh expected.  Much to Josh’s surprise though, it wasn’t exactly the roaring slap away that he expected either.  Billy seemed intrigued, but Josh got the idea it was more curiosity and teenage confusion, than anything else.

“The first one got your woody up.”  Josh said as he pulled the magazine away, “The second one just made you curious.  You’re probably wondering what I see in a picture like that, huh?”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”  Billy said as he sat up, “Like seriously?  I know I dog it and everything, but that’s just because it’s what everybody does.  To be honest though, just between us.  You can keep a secret?”

“I can.”

“I don’t really think it’s that big a deal.  Don’t you think that people don’t really care as much?  Some do, but mostly it’s the old fuckers like our parents and shit.  You wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve seen at some of our parties.”

“Billy, you’re only …”

“Fourteen, turning fifteen.  I’ve seen shit you know.  And come on, you and Brad were getting up to mischief when you were younger than me.”

“You’re already almost fifteen?”  Josh said in surprise, “Man, you and Carly are like … getting old.  She’s thirteen going on twenty one, I swear.”

“Oh man, she’s going to be a knockout.”

“Shut it.”  Josh said sharply, “Don’t even look at her or I swear …”

“Maybe I’ll just look at you, fag boy!”  Billy grinned as he jumped up and smacked Josh with a pillow.

“I hope someone comes and gets you soon.”  Josh grimaced, “I don’t know how much I can take of this.  Don’t you know how things work at this house by now?  You’re too ruckus.”

“Oh come on, have some fun!”  Billy laughed as he jumped on Josh’s back, “Hey, you think they’ll let me try for the team next season?”

“Yeah right.”

“I can play!”  Billy yelled as he jumped back onto the bed.

“We’ll create a new position for you.  It’s called Left Right Out.  Get it?”

“Ahh come on, it’ll get me all the girls!  And maybe some boys too so I can be like you.”  Billy said as he puckered up his lips, “Wanna kiss?  Wanna kiss?”

“I don’t know how Brad did it.”  Josh said as he stood up and headed for the door.

“Did what?”

“Lived with you his whole life!  It’s only been three days and I’m already sick of you!”

“Aww come on, you’ll learn to love me.”

Josh mumbled under his breath as he turned to leave.  Before he could put his hand on the door, Billy jumped off the bed and blocked Josh’s way.  Josh was tempted to pick Billy up and toss him aside, but he was doing his best to be mature even while he was being tested so.

“What?”  Josh asked annoyed.

“I’m just kidding, you know.”

“Were you kidding when you told your dad?”  Josh said before he realized what he had said, “Were you kidding when Brad got his head smashed in because of you?”

“I never meant for that to happen!”  Billy said as his eyes quickly started tearing up, “Fuck you!”

Josh instantly regretted what he said to Billy, and the spiteful tone in which he said it.  He’d let his frustration at Billy’s flippant attitude towards him, get the better of his steady nature.  But this was all new territory for Josh.  He wasn’t used to ‘being’ gay, yet Billy made him feel just like that.  At once Josh began taking calming breaths while Billy sulked against the door.

Billy suddenly lashed out at Josh with a half hearted attempt at a punch.  It was weak, and had it connected, would have only served to irritate Josh than hurt him.  As it was, Josh caught Billy’s hand and tossed it aside angrily.

“Don’t try me.”  Josh said in a stern voice, “You’re here as a guest.  I don’t care what you think of me.  While you’re here you will show me respect and treat me the same way I treat everyone else.”

“Why do you get to tell me what to do?  You’re not much older than me!”

“Not the way you’re acting.  Anyone would think you were ten.”

To Josh’s surprise, Billy laughed at his statement.  A huge smile broke out across his face and he slapped Josh’s arm in a friendly gesture.  Josh wasn’t sure what to think now, but he knew deep down that Billy was simply confused with all the changes that had taken place in the last few days.

“Maybe, I guess.”  Billy said with a small laugh, “But … you know something, Josh?”

“What?”

“You have a really nice family.”

“What?”  Josh said in surprise.

“You guys eat dinner every night together.  And you have a Mom.  Your parents are cool.  It’s really nice.  But … it makes me miss Brad, and even my Pop.  I wanna go home, Josh.”

“I’m afraid this is home right now.”  Josh said sympathetically, “But we’re all trying to make you feel comfortable.”

“I know, but like you said, I’m ruckus and you guys are straight and everything.  Well, except for you.”  Brad smirked, “I’m just joking though when I tease you.  I’m sorry if I offend you.  I think you’re cool.”

“Well thanks.  I think you’re a little jerk, but who’s keeping score.”  Josh said with a grin, “I’ll try my best to make you feel at home.  Just try not to irritate me so much.”

“Did you mean it before?  When you said Brad isn’t gay?”

“He isn’t.”

“But I saw him kissing you.”

“Obviously you weren’t paying attention.  Just trust me.  I think at the most, he’s got a little bi in him, but he is so not gay.  You’re gayer than he is.  Trust me, I wish he was.”  Josh sighed, “But … no.”

“Umm … are you like … in love with my brother?”

“Yes.”  Josh said with a surprising smile, “I am very much in love with your brother.”

“Eww that is so gross.  I think I’m gonna hurl!” Billy laughed.

“I am so glad I have a little sister.”  Josh said as he pushed Billy aside and opened the door, “And from now on, don’t come in unless you knock!”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Collin Barrett stood outside the District Court in White Swan City Central.  He was dressed with the attention to detail and pride that was often lost on today’s generation.  Pressed iron shirt, tie, cufflinks, polished black shoes, and most importantly, poise.  He waited at the bottom of the ominous stairs as the disheveled figure of Jeremiah Sisto walked down toward him.

Standing to attention as if he still served in the military, Collin greeted Jeremiah with the curtest of nods.  Jeremiah was a much larger, taller man than Collin, and physically intimidating to boot.  Yet Collin stood with a stature much taller than Jeremiah could ever manage.  His eyes reminded Jeremiah that they were both men, and equal in his eyes.

“How do you feel, Jeremiah?  Do you believe you are being unjustly punished for your actions?”  Collin said, speaking with a steady, unbroken tone.

“All I did was give that boy a whippin’.  I never expected him to go turnin’ all blue like that.  He did wrong.”

“He did not.”  Collin said with a slight raise in his tone, “He did nothing that justified your actions.”

“I would’ve thought someone of your standard would understand my reasons.  Maybe I went too far …”  Jeremiah said before he was interrupted.

“Maybe?”

“I went too far.”  Jeremiah said in an uncharacteristic show of weakness, “I went too far.”

“Agreed.  Until you are judged by the law, and deemed appropriate to have children in your care, Billy will stay with us.  Unless you have other family who will take him?”

“No, not in Merlow.”

“Then he will stay with us.  The last thing he needs is to be pulled out of school and his community.”

“Thank you, Collin.”

“I hope for your sake and the sake of what family you have left, that you are able to get the help you need.  The law can punish you as much as they see fit, but until you right yourself with your son and yourself, you will not be welcome in my home.”  Collin said as he turned to leave, “And Jeremiah, there is still a chance your charge will be changed to manslaughter, how will you contest this?”

“If that happens …”  Jeremiah said with regret in his eyes, “No matter what happens, I will plead … guilty.”

“Then there is hope for you.”  Collin said with a nod, “It is a start.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Cold, bitter wind blew across Josh’s chest as he waded deep in Lake Herren.  Moonlight shone across the water’s surface, casting an illuminating glow into the night.  It was a sight that Josh found oddly invigorating.  And though he was far from the main beaches on Merlow’s shore, he could see the teenage partygoers were invigorated too.

And yet they could have been an ocean away.  For all Josh knew, he was alone.  He found himself swimming to an old spot he and Brad shared when they were younger friends.  A spot where he would sit in an oak tree, whose branches hung over the water.  There he would sketch or write poetry.  Years before that, he and Brad would jump off the branches into the water.  They would swing off a rope and hurl themselves into the clear waters of Lake Herren.

Josh could see it now.  He could see the two of them laughing and playing like ordinary kids.  Long before Brad turned into the feared Jock of Merlow.

“Oh, Brad.”  Josh sighed as he pulled himself out of the water.

He climbed up to his regular spot on the old tree and sat down with his head in his arms.  He closed his eyes and imagined Brad was sitting next to him.  Sitting next to him on the tree, laughing about the most inconsequential things.

“You rang?”

Josh opened his eyes and turned to his side.  Sure enough, there was Brad sitting next to him in a pair of wet shorts, as if he’d just jumped out of the water.  It couldn’t be, but here he was, larger than life.  Literally.

Brad beamed a smile at Josh, with water glistening off his skin as he shuffled closer.  Josh wanted to reach out and touch Brad, just to know he was really there.  And perhaps that’s why Brad never let him.  Because it would ruin the illusion.

“It’s a beautiful night.”  Brad smiled, “A perfect night.  Don’t you think?”

“Why are you so happy?”

“I’m sitting here next to you.”

“No you aren’t.”  Josh said shaking his head, “You’re not real.”

“And yet I’m here.  So either you’re mad, dreaming, or both.  Or neither.”

“I want you to be here.”  Josh said with a lump in his throat, “I want you to be here with me.”

“I am here.”

“For real.”  Josh insisted, “Not just in my head or in my dreams.  For real.”

“Josh …”  Brad whispered, “You know …”

“I know.  I know.  I know!”  Josh gasped as tears began slowly forming in his eyes, “It’s just not fair.  I don’t want to believe it.  I … I … love you.”

“I know.”  Brad sighed.

“No, you don’t.”  Josh said as he turned and looked Brad square in the eyes, “I … love … you.  I don’t just love you, I’m in love with you.  You are for me that person Mike told me I would find.  The one who would make it all worth changing for.  I know what you wanted from me.  I get it now.  I’ll do it.  I won’t hide anymore.  My parents know.  Carly knows.  I don’t care about anyone else now.  I’m just gonna be me.  Like you wanted.”

“And all it took was me dying on you to realize that?”

Josh let out a sharp sob as Brad’s words unintentionally cut through him.  His mind flashed to that moment when he realized his attempts to revive Brad had failed.  The moment he realized, Brad was dead.

“I should’ve been there.  I told you that I would protect you.”  Josh cried, “I promised you.  And I failed.  And because of that, you’ll never know that when I wake up, I think of you first.  When I go to sleep, I think of you last.  And everything in between now, it’s just static.  Everything’s static.  That’s all I get.”

“You really love me?”  Brad asked with a half smirk, “You love me?”

“I even told Billy.”

“What did he say?”

“He said it was gross.  He’s been weird lately.  But you know, he’s at that age when everything makes your dick go up.  And you get confused.  But trust me, he’s playing for the ladies just like you.”  Josh smiled.

“How do you know I wasn’t a little confused?”

“What does it matter now?”

“I can see that me being here isn’t helping you at all.”  Brad said with a sad sigh, “As long as you see me, you’ll feel guilty.”

“I see you every day.”

“But you still have to let me go.  Just like they said that day I died.  You have to let me go.”

“I can keep you here.”

“Can you?”  Brad said as he stood up.

Brad shuffled his feet along the thick branch and raised his hands into the air.  He looked down at Josh and smiled, extending his hand so it was just inches from Josh’s.

“And just so you know, I love you too.”  Brad smiled.

“Not the way I love you.”

“Love is love is love, Josh.  And that’s what counts.”  Brad said as his eyes bore deep into Josh’s, “What makes you think I feel any less for you, than you do for me?  Not everything is as black and white as you think it is.”

“I miss you.”  Josh said, sobbing heartfelt tears.

“Don’t cry.  Like you said before, you don’t believe them anyway, do you?  If that’s the case, there’s still hope for you yet.”  Brad said as he prepared to jump off the branch, “You just have to learn to stop blaming yourself for what happened.  Once you do that, it won’t matter how things work out.  But you have to stop blaming yourself.  Stop feeling guilty.  Will you please do that for me?”

“If that’s what you desire.”

“I desire more than that, Josh.”

“What else do you desire?”  Josh asked.

“Ask me yourself!”  Brad said as he jumped off the branch, “Have faith!”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Josh, why do we have to have this conversation every day?”  Claire said with a sigh, “You can’t stay here.”

Josh opened his eyes and yawned.  He gave Claire a groggy smile and sighed.  Today was no better than any other day.  And with each day, his faith in hope began to slip away even more.  Only for people like Claire, did he feel buoyed and hopeful.  As in every other day since Brad’s savage beating, Claire had been there to remind Josh that he wasn’t a superhero.

“Go home, Sweetheart.”  Claire as she rubbed Josh’s hand, “Come on, I’ll give you a ride.”

“It’s ok, it’s not far to walk.  I wanted to walk.”  Josh said as he stood up.

Josh picked up his jacket and turned to Claire.  He smiled gratefully at her and kissed her cheek.  He was about to leave when Claire grabbed his arm.

“Why don’t you talk to me?  Let me make you a hot cocoa at my place.  Please?”

Josh thought about Claire’s offer.  He knew she meant well, and she was still someone he had a deep affection for.  Yet he still didn’t feel too much like talking to anybody.  Especially about Brad.  And yet every day Claire had asked Josh the exact same thing.  Always Josh had declined politely and left. 

“You’re a natural here, you know.”  Josh smiled, “You still planning on being the next June Marcus?  Doctor, Mother, Protector?”

“Interesting choice of role model.”  Claire smiled back, “If I can do what she did … I’ll be very happy.  For more reasons than you think.  But … I’m not so sure.  I just volunteer here because it gives me some experience.  Gives me the chance to help people.  I’ve always had an inkling.  I think this place could be my calling.”

“Can I ask you something, Claire?”

“Anything, Sweetheart.”

“Do you really think … there’s no hope … for him?”

Claire and Josh both turned their attention to the unconscious form of one Bradley Sisto.  As they stood beside his bed in Merlow General, Claire pondered Josh’s question.  Today, like every other day since his beating, Brad remained motionless, unconscious, and for all intents and purposes, a vegetable.  However, he was still very much alive. 

“You know, he was technically dead before the paramedics revived him.”  Josh said, furrowing his brow, “I can’t believe that this is all happening.”

“Josh, I think you have to accept the possibility that no matter what happens, Brad won’t be the same.  The amount of …”

“I know.  But I can’t give up on him.”  Josh said as his gave away the sharp guilt he felt, “I can’t.”

“I know, Sweetheart.”  Claire cried as she kissed Josh’s cheek and hugged him, “I love you, Josh.”

“Do you?  You don’t hate me?”

“No!”  Claire said adamantly, “Never.  Not someone as sincere as you.  I know you never wanted to hurt me.  And believe me when I say that all I care about is making sure you’re ok.  I am always here for you, ok?  Always.”

The pair shared a long and familiar embrace.  Josh had often entertained the idea of being with a girl, and that girl was always Claire.  He knew now without a doubt that he was most definitely not interested in girls romantically.  It would be a lie for him to say otherwise.  The road to this realization had been long had fraught with anxiety and pain, but Josh believed he was almost at the end of that road.  His greatest fears had at the very least been confronted now, and he lived to tell the tale.  He only hoped Brad would be able to know just how much he really had helped him.

Carl made his presence known by patting Josh affectionately on the back.  Josh broke his hug with Claire and shook Carl’s hand.  Carl then greeted Claire with a warm kiss and turned his attention to Brad.

“So … still nothing then?”  Carl sighed, “Haslan still his primary?”

“Yes.”  Claire said with a nod, “He seems to take a special interest in anyone associated with June.”

“I think he just wants to make sure her interests are still taken care of.  That’s why he took such an active role in getting Storm the best care, and Sarah the best contacts in Saran City.  If anyone can give Brad a shot at coming back with a bang, it’s Haslan.”

“I’ll be back.  I just want to say bye to Mr. Greaves in Ward 2.”  Claire said as she left the room.

Carl nodded at Claire and moved to Brad’s bedside.  He took Brad’s hand and squeezed it as he sat down.  He knew as much as anyone how much of a jerk Brad once was.  How much of a bully he was.  But that was all years ago now.  Brad before and Brad after was someone Carl was particularly fond of.  And he certainly didn’t wish this on Brad.

“I wonder if he can feel me.”  Carl said as he rubbed Brad’s hand, “He might think I like him, touching his hand like this.  Whatever happened to just being able to care about someone without them thinking you want something else?   Especially with guys.  Homophobia gone mad, I tell you.  Well, real men don’t care about that stuff.”

“I agree.”  Josh nodded, “You know Mike never seemed worried about that.  He was always just himself, you know?”

“Yep.  He’s a good guy, ol’ Mike.  Wouldn’t mind seeing him again.”  Carl said as he looked at Brad and then Josh, “So … you and him, huh?”

“No.”

“I could talk to him.  Explain the benefits of a same sex relationship.”  Carl smirked, “Instruct him in the ways of manly love.”

“And how could you do this exactly?”  Josh smiled, “You have experience from when?”

“Oh come on!  I was Storm’s boy before Lucas.  Behind the classrooms.  Inside the bushes.  In the treehouse.  I kept him satisfied!”  Carl grinned, “Ok, sorry, that wasn’t funny.  For some reason I expected him to be here right then so he could say some smartass rebuttal about him not being into donkeys.”

“If there’s anything I’ve learned, you just are what you are.  I’m one thing, and he’s another.  As much as I wish it were different, I’m not sure he’ll ever …”

“Love you back?”  Carl asked as he patted Brad’s hand and stood up.

Josh nodded in confirmation as he took Carl’s place beside Brad.  He took Brad’s hand and held it in his own.  He hoped that somehow he could give Brad the spark he needed to fight whatever was keeping him lost.  He wanted more than anything to be here if and when Brad woke from his drug induced coma.

“I still don’t know how his own father could have done this to him.”  Carl sighed, “He’s been treated so badly.  All his life really.  Has he had many visitors?”

“Besides you and Claire, he’s gotten visits from my family and Billy.  Dade’s been in.”

“Dade?”

“Yeah, a couple times.  Bobby Weiss.  I’m not sure who else.”

“That’s just sad.  He should’ve had more visitors than that.  So, when he does get better, because he will, where will he go?”  Carl asked, “Who will take care of him?”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Collin and Petra Barrett sat at their dining table with a myriad of bills and miscellaneous papers. The look on both their faces gave away the seriousness of their discussion.  Collin looked over at his wife occasionally, while thumbing through the yard’s monthly accounts.  Petra had a look of incredulity and annoyance, mixed with deep concentration.

“I don’t want my family being disrupted.”  Petra threw out all of a sudden.

Collin stopped what he was doing and looked at his wife.  He slid his hand over hers and squeezed it.  She smiled weakly back at him

“It’s the right thing to do.”  Collin said with a stern, yet assuring tone, “We have to help these boys.”

“You never said it would be for so long.  There isn’t enough room.  What about when Bradley gets out?”

“We’ll make room.”

“Joshua only has one, maybe two years left with us at the most.  Then he’ll be at college and he’ll leave us.  I want that time for us as a family.  Jeremiah will never get his children back, and he shouldn’t.  I feel for these children, I really do.  But I can’t help feeling that taking these boys will mean I never have my family with just the four of us.”  Petra said with a frustrated sigh, “I’m sorry, Dear.  I know I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts.”

“It will all work out.  Just have faith, my love.”

“Yes.”  Petra smiled, “What about Joshua?  Have you had a chance to speak to him yet about … that.”

“You can say it.”

“No, I can’t.  Don’t mistake me, I still love him more than anything.  But it’s not meant to happen to us.  We did everything right.”  Petra said, her eyes watering a fraction.

“We did.”

“I just don’t understand.”

“No matter how we feel, we cannot give him the impression that we are against him.  Never.  We are a family.  When this all settles down with Bradley, we have to show him that we support him.  He is still our son.  And he is a boy worth being proud of.”

“He’s not a boy anymore, Collin.”

“He’ll always be my boy.  We didn’t do anything wrong.  We did everything right.  If this is the lot that we have in life, than we must accept it.”

“What about the transformational minist…”

Collin shot his wife a look of anger so swift and sudden she stopped mid sentence.  Petra knew she’d broached a subject Collin wasn’t interested in.  It was almost sacrilege just to mention the idea.  Collin rarely showed his anger, and Petra still found it surprising that he would take such offence to the prospect of helping their son.  In Petra’s mind, that’s all she was doing.  Yet to Collin, it was an affront to his ability as a father, and to Josh’s right as a human being.

“There is nothing wrong with our son.  I don’t understand it any more than you do, but I know there is nothing wrong with him.  I will never let anyone send him to one of those places.  Let them call Josh what they will.  Those people think they know the lord, they don’t.  They only know their own fears, and construct a doctrine according to those fears.  That is not godliness to me.  Never ever mention this again.  Joshua is not wrong.”  Collin said standing up, “And that is the end of this.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Damn, Carly.  You look fine.”  Billy grinned as Carly emerged from the Barrett’s pool.

“Gross.  Get away from me.”  Carly scowled, “Josh!”

“What?!”  Billy protested as he threw his hands in the air, “I didn’t do anything!”

Billy figured it would be best if he ran and saved himself a lecture from Josh.  He ran back inside the house and quickly threw on a shirt and some sandals.  He thought of running back to his house, even if he wasn’t supposed to.  No matter what people thought, it was still the only home he knew.  He didn’t belong in this house.  The Barrett family was exactly that.  A family.  A family that he was not a member of.

“And they’re too damn straight.  So many rules.  No fun.”  Billy said to himself, “I gotta get out of here.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Mike Marcus.  Once a Mitchell, always a Marcus.  His life had seen more it’s fair share of trials and tribulations, yet he remained as steady as the northern star.  His was a life that brought stability and a sense of security to all those he knew.  His influence was soft and reassuring, rarely rough or overbearing.  It was because of this fact, that Josh found his presence extraordinarily comforting.

Mike sat at Brad’s bedside, holding his hand as he told of his new life in Saran City.  He spoke with a smile as he recollected how Storm would kidnap Sarah and give her a day away.  A day where Sarah wouldn’t have to worry about her family, her health, anything.  It was what Storm called his soul therapy.  Mike was disappointed when Storm decided it was time to leave Saran City, but not as disappointed as he was to learn that Storm had left Merlow.

Josh watched Brad for any sign of reaction, even though he knew Brad’s condition was drug induced.  He wasn’t sure whether Mike’s presence was helping Brad more, or Josh.  Either way, Josh was grateful for the surprise visit.

“We’re all thinking of you, Brad.”  Mike said sincerely, “And I’m sorry this happened.  Get better soon, ok?”

Mike leaned over and kissed Brad’s forehead, before he stood up and turned to Josh.  The pair shared an embrace, and demonstrated their genuine affection for one another.  Mike patted Josh’s back as he held his friend, sensing the still abundant confusion and fear inside.

“He’ll be ok.”  Mike reassured, “You just gotta have faith.”

“Funny, that’s what he said.”  Josh said, before he blushed, “Umm nevermind.”

“How’s everything going with you, Josh?”

“I can’t complain.  I have my health.  It just seems wrong to compare any of my problems to Brad’s, or yours.  How is Sarah?”

“She’s doing well, Josh.  She has her days, especially after chemo.  But she doesn’t complain.  Except for the fact she’s bald now.”  Mike smiled, “But she’s still as beautiful as ever.  You’ll see.  We’ll be back.  You’ll see.”

“I love it how you do that.”  Josh smiled, “I wish I were more like you.”

“We all have fears, Josh.  What separates us is how we deal with them.”

Josh was about to respond, when he saw Carl enter the room with a huge smile on his face.  He grabbed Mike from behind and gave him a bearhug.  Josh smiled as the two friends reacquainted themselves with infectious and sincere affection.  Today had been a good day.  A positive day for Josh.  A day where he truly began to feel things were changing.  When he actually thought, that there was hope.  Hope for Brad, and for himself.

 

* * * * * * *

 

“I am going to be in so much trouble.”  Carly said as she paced back and forth, “Billy, come back.  Before my parents do and kill me.”

Carly’s heart sank as she heard the front door open.  Her mother walked in holding grocery bags in each hand.  At first Carly contemplated ignorance, but her better nature took over.  She helped her mother with the groceries and stood anxiously before her.

“Mom?”

“Yes, Sweetheart?”  Petra asked absentminded.

“Billy’s gone.  I think he’s run away.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Billy sat outside Merlow General Hospital, leaning against the brick wall of the Southern Wing.  He tossed a half empty packet of cigarettes between each hand, while he took a drag from the one in his mouth.  He blew rings of smoke into the air, as he thought anxiously about what he’d do.  If he had to, he’d sleep on the street.  He could survive if he had to.

“Billy.  What are you doing out here?”

“Mitchell …”  Billy said in horror, “What are you doing here?”

“It’s Marcus now, actually.”  Mike smiled.

The lit cigarette almost jumped out of Billy’s mouth as he rushed to remove any evidence of his smoking.  He knew it was pointless though, Mike had already seen him taking a drag.  Billy hung his head in shame as Mike walked over and sat beside him.

“You know those things will kill you.”  Mike said as he took the packet off Billy, “And you’re too young to be smoking anyway.  How many times do people have to tell you?”

“My dad does it.”

“He’s old enough to decide for himself.  You’re not even old enough to buy them.  If I were Brad, I’d make you smoke every cigarette in this packet and then see how you like it.  But I’m not.  But trust me when I tell you, you’ll never even make third string if you keep this up.  Now what are you doing here, Billy?”

“Waiting.”  Billy shrugged.

“What for?”

“For Brad to get better so he can look after me.  I don’t want to go back to the Barrett’s.”

“They’ll take care of you.  They’re good people.”

“I know … it’s just … I don’t belong there.  I want to go home.”  Billy sighed.

Billy leaned back against the wall, and curled his knees up to his chest.  The last thing he wanted right now was company.  If anything, he wanted to steal some whiskey from his father’s cabinet and get drunk.

“I know what it’s like, Billy.  To live with someone you love, but someone you fear.  I have to tell you, that even though things might seem bad, you’re in the best place.  Your dad needs help.  He can’t take care of you right now.  The Barretts can.”

“But I want my Pop.”  Billy moaned, “I want to go home.”

Billy’s eyes became tinged with anguish as he turned away from Mike.  He buried his head in his knees and wished Mike would leave him alone.  He wished he could get high, get drunk, get anything except a lecture.  All he wanted was for things to go back to normal.  To be the way they were before he ruined it all.

 “This is all my fault.  I told Pop that Brad and Josh were kissing.  It’s my fault.  I didn’t think he’d …”

Tears began to fall from Billy’s eyes as he began sobbing to himself.  His body shook with grief and remorse, emotions he knew little of until now.  He felt Mike’s hand on his shoulder, reassuring and secure.  Instinctively, Billy grabbed onto him and held on for dear life.

“Will you do something for me?”  Mike asked as he rubbed Billy’s back.

“What?”  Billy sobbed, “What do you want me to do?”

“Will you go back to the Barrett’s house with me?  Will you give them a chance?”

“But …”

“You give them a chance, and I’ll keep calling to see how you’re doing.  Sound like a deal?”

Billy thought about Mike’s offer.  It seemed genuine enough.  Why did he care though?  Why did any of these people care?  What had he done to deserve all of this attention?  In the end, Billy figured he was lucky to have anyone watching out for him, and he liked Mike.

Billy nodded at Mike with a smile.  Mike helped him to his feet, and picked up his bag.  Billy let out a nervous sigh, figuring he’d get into trouble once he arrived back at the Barrett house.

“Thanks, Mike.  You’re the best.”  Billy smiled.

“I try.”  Mike grinned, “Now come on, let’s get you home.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Carly smiled with relief as she stood next to Mike.  Both of them stood in the Barrett lounge watching Petra hold a dumbstruck Billy.  Mike had brought Billy home, much to the relief of both Carly and her mother.  Carly was still annoyed at Billy for running off in the first place and almost landing her in hot water, but she was happy he was back.  She had the distinct feeling that Billy would be permanent fixture at the Barrett house for some time yet

“Don’t you ever do that again.”  Petra smiled with relief, “Do you hear me, William?”

“Sorry, Mrs. Barrett.”  Billy said as Petra continued to hug him.

“This is home now, Sweetheart.  This is home.”

Carly turned to Mike who seemed quite pleased with himself.  She was about to ask him if he wanted to stay for dinner when his cell phone rang.  She watched curiously as he turned his back to her and began speaking in a hushed, but urgent tone.  She had the distinct impression something was wrong, but she couldn’t hear what exactly.  When his conversation ended, he turned around with a face as composed as granite.

“Well if everything’s in order here, I’ll have to make my exit.  Billy, remember what I said.”  Mike said with a nod, “Mam.  Carly.”

Petra thanked Mike with a sincere smile.  Mike patted Billy’s shoulder and nodded at Carly.  He made a bee line for the door when Carly stopped him.

“Mike, is everything ok?”  Carly asked with concern, “Is it Sarah?”

“Everything’s fine.  My trip is just shorter than I thought.  Take care of yourselves.  Say bye to Josh for me.”

Carly nodded and followed Mike outside.  She waved at him as he ran off down the street.  As soon as he’d left her sight, she turned her attention back to Billy, who was still being fawned over by Petra.

“Bloody boys get all the attention.”  Carly glared as she walked back inside.

She smiled sweetly at her mother, who finally left Billy alone.  As soon as Petra had left the lounge for the kitchen, Carly smacked Billy on the arm.

“If you ever do that again, you’ll be sorry!”  Carly whispered, “Do you hear me, William Sisto?”

“Ow.”  Billy grimaced, “You hit hard for a girl.”

“Just remember the rules and we’ll get along fine.  Break them …”  Carly glared, “And don’t ever perve at me in the pool again.  That’s just gross.  Understood?”

“Ok, ok.  I understand.”  Billy said with a smirk, “Just pretend I’m gay or something.”

“Pretend?”  Carly grinned, “You mean you aren’t?”

“Funny, Sweetheart.  But whatever makes you feel better.  Now if you don’t mind, I have to sweet talk your mother and improve my order in the food chain.”  Billy said waltzing away with a cocky grin.

Carly glared at Billy, “Then I guess this is war, Sisto.”

 

* * * * * * *

 

Brad’s hospital room was bathed in darkness, save for the flickering lights of the medical equipment at his bedside.  A single light above his head was barely glowing a dim white.  There was no sound, no life.  For all intents and purposes, this was a ghost room.  Save for the one soul who sat at Brad’s bedside well after regular visiting hours.  Due only to his mother’s relationship to Brad’s primary, Doctor Ariem Haslan.  A doctor far too young to hold the position of General Primary, he assumed the position following the death of June Marcus.  As his mentor, he had a great deal of respect and affinity to the late doctor.  As a result of this, he took a personal interest in any matter relating to her family.  Bradley Sisto, was such a case.  And as her son, Dade Marcus used this connection to allow him special privileges in visiting Brad.  A privilege he was now making use of.

“I’ll make this direct.  I want to offer you a room at my house.  You need somewhere to live.  I have space.  And I’d like to help.”  Dade smiled, “Why?  Because … it’s the right thing to do.  And I need to do more of the right things.”

Dade held Brad’s hand, waiting for that miracle sign of recognition.  A sign that had not come for far too long a time.  It seemed that for Dade, one fateful day had left a bigger impact than he initially believed.  What fate lay in the stars that so many would receive such cruel blows to their lives?  Dade was no great fan of Brad’s until recently.  And in a way, keeping an eye on Brad was something Dade knew his brother Storm would want.  So he felt he was doing this for his brother, as much as Brad.

“Listen, I just want to make this quick.  You have to get better.”

Dade almost screamed as Brad’s eyes shot open.  He received such a fright, he’d jumped out of his chair.

“Holy shit, I rock!”  Dade yelled with excitement, “I’m the man!  Dade’s the man!”

Dade quickly pushed the emergency button to summon the duty nurse.  He rushed back to Brad’s side and took his hand.  Brad’s eyes were still vacant and hollow, but they were open.  He stared up at the ceiling with little sign of recognition, but at least his eyes were open.  Dade couldn’t believe how great it felt to see Brad finally show some sign of life.

“Josh …”  Brad gasped, ragged and almost inaudible.

Suddenly, as quickly as his eyes had opened, they shut.  Dade screamed for Brad to come back, but was instead greeted with the ominous sound of a flatline.  In an instant, Dade was pushed aside as the room was flooded with Duty nurses and the attending doctor.  Dade watched in horror from outside Brad’s room as the medical team struggled to keep Brad from leaving this world.  Though many had made it clear that this would almost certainly be Brad’s fate, nobody really believed it.  Yet as Dade continued to hear that terrible sound, he couldn’t help thinking that perhaps Brad had indeed left this world.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Contrary to all who doubted, Brad survived his tempestuous awakening.  And in the three days that followed, in complete isolation, Dr. Ariem Haslan and his team worked wonders.  Now on the third and final day of isolation, Brad was ready to face the world.  As if he were a celebrity, he was wheeled along the halls of Merlow General being greeted by familiar faces and well wishers.  When he finally arrived at his room, there were cards, flowers, and gifts all waiting for him.  More than that, the room was filled with people who genuinely cared for him.  Collin, Petra, and Carly Barrett.  His brother, Billy.  Carl and Claire.  Dade, and finally Josh.  Brad was still fairly weak, his movement restricted to handshakes and arm gestures, but his smile said a thousand words.

“Brad!”  Billy yelled as he ran to his brother and grabbed his hand, “I’m so happy to see you!”

“Welcome back, you gave us quite a scare.”  Dade said as he uncharacteristically leaned over and kissed Brad’s cheek, “It’s good to see you again.  Of course, you do realize that it was I who brought you back.”

“Give it a rest, Marcus.”  Carl said with a broad smile as he shook Brad’s hand, “We all know it was Claire’s regular ‘visits’.”

“Oh shut it for a moment, you two.  This is Brad’s day.  And it was neither of you.  It was Josh.”  Claire said as she kissed Brad hello, “I’m so happy you made it back.  You had a lot of people very worried.”

“Bradley, we’re all very happy to see you looking better.”  Collin said with a nod.

“Yeah, Brad.  Billy cried so much.  He’s really just a big girl.”  Carly smiled, “But we’re all glad you’re ok.”

“Why don’t we give Brad a chance to settle in, and we can all come back.  Come on, everybody.”  Collin said as he motioned everyone out, “Let’s all go downstairs to the cafeteria.  I’ll buy us all lunch.  Oh, except for maybe you, Joshua.  I think Brad could do with a little company.”

Josh smiled gratefully at his father as everyone filtered out of the room.  Brad’s nurse helped move him onto his bed, before she left the room and shut the door behind her.  Josh could barely control his joy right now, but he was putting on his best controlled face.  He didn’t want to overwhelm Brad right now.  All he wanted, was to be near him.

When the room had finally emptied, it was Brad who reacted first.  He grabbed Josh’s hand and squeezed it.  As if confused and unsure of what to do, Josh barely reacted.  He knew Brad was still in a rough way, and didn’t want to hug him in case he hurt him inadvertently.  He was afraid to even touch Brad.  Brad pulled away as if surprised by Josh’s apparent disinterest. 

“What’s wrong?”  Brad asked, “Do I look that bad?”

“I don’t want to hurt you.  You’re still weak.”  Josh said sympathetically.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?”  Brad asked with watery eyes, “I’m happy to see you.  It’s ok.  You can do whatever you want.  There’s nobody else here.”

Josh’s eyes began to water and his face contorted with his attempts to hide his emotion.  As if feeling a sense of relief himself, he leaned forward and kissed Brad’s hand.  He cried tears of unbearable release and joy, as finally he forgot to be Josh for a moment.  He forgot to hide.  He forgot to restrain himself.  All he remembered to do was feel, and show it.

Josh burst into tears as he went for broke and smothered Brad in kisses.  From his hand, to his neck, to his cheeks.  Finally, he kissed Brad’s lips.  It was a brief, gentle kiss that seemed to be summoned by the angels themselves. 

Josh pulled away, gauging Brad’s reaction.  Brad didn’t seem to mind, and instead he smiled.  Josh still didn’t know whether this was because Brad was happy, or because perhaps … more.  He didn’t care right now.  He leaned forward and kissed Brad again, being careful not to disturb his neck brace.  He held the kiss for an eon, as if frozen in time.  They simply held their lips together, no tongue, no lust, just love.  A love that wasn’t clearly defined, but clearly existed.

“I heard every single word you said.”  Brad cried as Josh pulled away, “I heard every word.  And I saw you.  I saw you, you never gave up on me that day.  It was like I was in the room with you, looking down at myself dying.  I know it sounds crazy, but I wanted to let go.  Until I saw you trying to save me.  I couldn’t go.  Not until you knew.  And I heard every word you said every day I’ve been in here.  I wanted to reach out to you, but I couldn’t.  The last three days, all I could think about was you and how nobody has ever loved me so much.  I’ve been trying to figure out what I was going to say to you, but now it’s just all gone.  I can’t remember what I wanted to say.  I just wanted to see you.  I wanted to thank you.”

“Thank me?”  Josh asked in surprise, “I wanted to thank you.  You saved me.  Everyone knows now.  My family.  Everyone who was in this room today.  They all know I’m gay.  And now I don’t care who else knows.  And even better, I don’t have to pretend.  And that’s because of you.  I didn’t get it until it was too late.  All you desired for me, was for me to be me, right?  And it only took you dying on me to get it.  I thought you were gone.”

“And leave you?”  Brad asked, “How can I?  I have no idea what’s happening here, Josh.  I’ve had three days to think about it and I still can’t figure it out.  But after everything that’s happened to us, how can I pretend that something isn’t going on here?  I love you, Josh.  I don’t know what that means, but I do know that I need you to help me find out.”

Josh felt like he was going to fly.  In all his life, he’d never felt such an unfathomable joy.  Brad had as good as told him that he was in love with him.  Neither Josh or Brad knew exactly what that meant, but Josh felt like he’d just received the greatest gift in the world.  No matter what brought them to this point, they were here.  And too many events had transpired, forging their bond to a degree that shook their very ideas of love, for them to pretend something didn’t exist between them.

Josh’s eyes were suddenly filled with concern as Brad began to weep silently.  His eyes were filled with fear as he stared at Josh.  Josh squeezed Brad’s hand reassuringly, offering himself in any way needed.

“What is it?”  Josh asked.

“I’m afraid.”  Brad said as he closed his eyes, “I feel … weak.  I’m afraid to sleep.  I don’t want to die, Josh.  You’re the only person I can talk to.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”  Josh reassured, “You can be as afraid as you want, but just remember, everyone in this room today is rooting for you.  Just like me.”

“I hate him so much.  How could he do this to me?”  Brad cried, “I’ll never play football again.  I can’t feel my toes.  They say it’ll all come back.  That I was lucky.  That all my body needed was time.  And it feels like I’ve been here forever.  I hate this, Josh.  I hate him.  I’ll never forgive him.  Never.”

Josh did his best to bite his tongue.  To hold his anger inside.  He was just as angry at Jeremiah as Brad was.  Yet he knew it wouldn’t help Brad any to show it.  He had to be Brad’s rudder through dark waters.

“Listen, you’re one tough nut.”  Josh said as he felt a surge of emotion, “You’ve been beaten down so many times.  But you keep coming back.  You’re my hero.  I’ve never met anyone like you.  You’ll beat this.  And I’ll be with you every step.  I swear.”

“You won’t leave me?”  Brad asked with pleading eyes, “It might take a while before I’m back on my feet.”

“Then it will take a while.  All things considered, you’re doing incredible.  Haslan told my father that your internal injuries will heal completely in time.  Your ribs will heal.  You don’t have any brain damage except for what you already had …”  Josh said with a weak smile, “Sorry, that wasn’t funny.”

“Yeah it was.”  Brad smiled, “I know what’s wrong with me.  And there I was, right on track to get back into the team for the final year.”

“That’s the last thing you should be thinking about.”

“That’s all I think about.  I love that game.  I did everything just so I could get back there.  And he took it away.  I won’t let him.  You don’t understand, Josh.  You don’t understand what it means to me to get back there.  I don’t care if it’s third string.  I don’t care if I hurt myself again.  I’m running back onto that field.  Do you hear me?”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“I don’t care!” Brad snapped.

Josh didn’t have the heart to argue with Brad.  To warn him that he may never play football again.  In Josh’s mind, even if he could, he didn’t want Brad to try.  Josh didn’t even believe Brad would be able to walk onto the field, let alone run.  And all because Jeremiah believed his son was gay.  Even Josh didn’t think that.  He wished it, but he still didn’t believe it.  He knew Brad loved him, but Josh knew it wasn’t exactly in the way he wanted.  Right now, it wasn’t even a priority in Josh’s mind.  The only thing he cared about was Brad’s welfare.

“Don’t think about it now.” Josh said as he kissed Brad’s hand, “Please.”

Brad fumbled as he reached up and grabbed Josh by the shirt.  At first Josh wasn’t sure what Brad was doing.  He thought Brad might even be angry with him.  Brad pulled Josh closer to him so their faces were next to one another, and Josh was almost laying on Brad.  Their cheeks pressed against one another, Brad’s mouth against Josh’s ear.

“I’m scared.”  Brad whimpered as he snaked his arm around Josh’s neck, “I need you.”

“I’m here.”

“You’ve done so much for me.  More than anyone.”  Brad said with tears in his eyes, “You have no idea how much you mean to me.”

“I think we’re pretty even then, because you’ve done as much for me.”

“I love you, Josh.”

“I love you too, Brad.”  Josh smiled.

“No.”  Brad whispered, “I love you.”

Neither Brad nor Josh knew where this was going.  Neither knew whether it would last past this one moment of emotional outpouring.  But both knew no matter how they reconciled their feelings, they would never deny their depth.  They would only deny perhaps the physical connections that held Brad from making Josh the only love he’d ever known.

Neither realized they were being watched from outside Brad’s room window.  Neither cared.  And thankfully, the person watching did so not for malice, but for understanding.  That person was Collin Barrett.  And as he watched his son show emotion he believed should only be afforded to women, he began to understand how it may truly be for his son to love another man. 

 * * * * * * *

Theme Song
Mandy Moore - Only Hope

- The following is archived from when 5 Paths was first released and may not be relevant now - 

Well, that's the first part of 5 Paths online for you.  Like most Interludes, it focuses on either a secondary group of characters, or select few primaries.  This chapter, even though titled Brad's Desire is heavily Josh focused and runs with 5 Paths theme of setting up Season 5.  Josh has been a primary character since way back in the day, but because he is not part of the Pack, he's always been a secondary type character.  I think when people finish all of Storm Front, they might go back and read it from the point of view of Josh and pick up a few things they missed, and see him in a different light.  The same could be said of many characters.  You start this journey following Storm, Mike, Sarah, and the rest of the Pack, but when all is said and done, you could read it again from the view of many characters, like Claire, Carl, Dade, Brad, and Josh.  And it's ironic, because Josh is the only true gay character in Storm Front.  Marcel doesn't count because he's not a primary character and hasn't been so since Season 2.  Jacob isn't a regular, and doesn't even live in Merlow, so he doesn't count either. 

Josh's journey has been slow and steady, which is great!  People often get caught up in the immediate dramas and what I call 'oh shit' events, that they miss the slower building aspects of SF, what I call the 'wow, now I get it!' events.  Josh has been grappling with his sexuality since we've known him.  And only now is he really at a point where he's realized and accepted what he is.  Much of that credit must go to Brad and his surprising role in Josh's life.  Brad's Desire really means Brad's desire to see Josh come to terms with himself.  I'm happy that it's taken this long to see Josh get to this point.  And for those fans of his, Season 5 will be a chance to really see him shine as a character now that he's coming into his own.

I often get comments from readers as to why the characters I focus on are so straight acting, jock type characters.  I only write what I know sorry.  And because the gay stereotype is so overdone already, and I'm sick of it because it doesn't represent everybody, or me.  Storm Front was supposed to show that it's not all lisp and feminine tendencies.  There's nothing wrong with that, but I couldn't write it, because I don't know it.  And I wanted to write something I knew and could relate to.  So I hope that gives more perspective.  Also, this is small town remember.  Mainstream is where you'll find more of the stereotypical lifestyle, because it's big city.  But it'll never have a primary character role because I wouldn't be able to do it justice.  Also why I don't have lesbians in Storm Front.  I know women, but I couldn't relate to being a lesbian.  Though I would love to watch if anyone's offering lol.

So ... Brad is not dead.  I never once in 'For Glory' actually said he is.  Although I can understand how people jumped to that conclusion.  When I did read the feedback following 'For Glory', I almost did a changeover and change SF so that he was dead.  But it would've meant changing too much of Season 5.  So sorry to burst your bubble, Brad's hanging around a little while yet.  Besides, two deaths in one season?  Bit much, even by my standards.  What's interesting about Brad is that it's fairly well established he is primarily playing for the ladies, at least sexually.  But he and Josh share this bond that is to some degree, purer than any other relationship, because it's intimate without the intimacy, you know?  I have often been tempted to miraculously have Brad suddenly return Josh's love, and you know what?  I could probably do it in a respectable and honest fashion.  And umm, I have lol.  Or have I?  What I have done is shown just how deep a bond can form, to the point where it becomes confused.  No one doubts now that Josh and Brad love each other something crazy.  But what is still in issue, is how that love will be realized.  Brad isn't gay.  That's just the bottom line.  But you know, life is a bunch of grays, and therein lies the dilemma.  The dilemma we will see realized in Season 5.  Besides, I said two deaths in one season was too much.  Brad's not out of hospital yet.  Who's to say he won't be dead by the time Season 5 rolls around?  Hehe.

I've enjoyed doing 5 Paths so much because it's given me a chance to delve so deeply into specific characters in a way that hasn't been possible since Season 2.  And expand the world of a character in a way that would be superfluous in the main story.  That's why Interludes rock!  For example, Collin and Petra Barrett play a bigger role here than ever before.  We've always seen them, but not with a great amount of depth.  Collin specifically I wanted to flesh out.  There has been a sore lack of positive father figures in Storm Front.  Not to mention good, steady family environments like Josh's.  Collin is not a perfect man.  No man is perfect, only woman are, as all the females in my family would attest to.  Yet he is still a man of integrity, honesty, and strong moral conscience.  He does not understand or even agree with what his son is, but more than any of that, he knows that his son is a good person.  He knows that this is who his son is, and regardless of his own feelings, will stand by him and not let anyone else tell his son that he is wrong to be who he is.  Not even his wife.  I mean, we could all hope for a perfect 'Oh that's great!' kind of parent, but let's get real here.  I think Collin, in his own way, is doing as good a job as one could hope for.  He's an example of a typical, good natured, father.

Also Carly and Billy, who have both been around since Season 2, get more opportunity to shine, and in turn, enrich the characters this chapter focuses on, Josh and Brad.  Besides, it's not Brad who's gay, it's Billy.  It's been Billy all along.  Lol, just kidding.  It's funny that Josh and Brad are at a point now where they're on the verge of adulthood, and Carly and Billy are just entering the stage of life we first met Josh, Storm, and all the others at.  Storm Front:  The Next Generation lol.  Oh heavens no.

Mike made an appearance in this episode, as part of his brief return to Merlow.  There are more clues in 5 Paths than you realize, so for the details people, figure it out!  The astute of you will realize where Brad's Desire, FallOut, and Confessions of a Shattered Dream crossover timeline wise, and connect the dots.  Like I said, all of 5 Paths take place during the same timeline.  And some events cross over between the aforementioned chapters because they take place in Merlow, the other two do not, but there are still instances where you can match up timelines.  See if you can figure out when and where.

I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse at Josh and Brad's life.  Don't forget to check out the other episodes of 5 Paths.  See you on the forums.

 

5 Paths: Brad's Desire

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